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The Beer Prayer

February 8th, 2007

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink

Thy will be drunk.
(I will be drunk)
At home as in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill
against us

And lead us not into incarceration,
but deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer,
the bitter and the lager,
for ever and ever.

Barmen

Golfing Nun

February 1st, 2007

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior
chatting. “I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely
terrible about it.”

“When did you use this awful language?” asks the elder.

“Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it
was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was
hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after
going only about 100 yards.

“Is that when you swore?”

“No, Mother,” says the nun. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the
bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asked the Mother Superior again.

“Well, no.” says the nun. “You see, as the squirrel was running, an
eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and
began to fly away!”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asked the amazed elder nun.

“No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it
flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”

“Did you swear THEN?” asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

“No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap,
rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole.”

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, “You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”

Wierd Text

January 29th, 2007

1) In the 1400’s a law was set forth that a man was
not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have “the rule of thumb”.

2) Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was
invented. It was ruled “Gentlemen Only… Ladies Forbidden”… and thus
the word GOLF entered into the English language.

3) Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

4) It is impossible to lick your elbow.

5) Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

6) Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king in history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs - Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

7) 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

8)Question: If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter “A”?

Answer: One thousand

9) In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured
on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress
tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase…
“goodnight, sleep tight.”

10) It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000
years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would
supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey
beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called
the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

11) In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and
quarts… So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender
would yell at them “Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.” It’s
where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s”

12) Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had
a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When
they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. “Wet
your whistle” is the phrase inspired by this practice.

13) Don’t delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you
can read it…

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a
wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be
in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed
it wouthit a porbelm Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amazing huh?

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October 25th, 2006

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